Boundaries, what are they? No, they’re not just a new hot-topic that’s being talked about on TikTok, they’re actually something really important that we ALL should have.
Boundaries are basically rules that you put in place that represent your personal values. In other words, they are where you stand up for yourself and tell people to f*ck off if they’re not respecting your personal needs/wants or your worth.
So-RRY bad b! * snaps fingers * Now that I’ve got your attention (and let out all the sass that I had building up over the past week), let’s get down to the nitty gritty.
First things first I want to give you a lil’ reminder; we are setting these boundaries for OURSELVES. We’re not doing them for anyone else, f*ck everyone else, this is for your own sake.
“But I thought you said boundaries are there so that other people respect us”. Well yes, (you little know-it-all) that is what I said, but let me explain what I mean.
For other people to respect us we must first respect ourselves. When we respect ourselves, others will follow suit, but you must let it be known. By creating boundaries, we are giving the invisible message of, “I know my worth, I know what I feel comfortable with and what I do not. If you cannot respect this, you do not respect me and there is no room in my life for that type of behaviour.”
We are creating these boundaries to protect ourselves, our energy and to have the best dating interactions that we are also comfortable with.
Now I bet before you started this blog, you thought boundaries were all about putting a ban on sex? “No no, don’t touch me there, that is my no no square”, is the saying that comes straight to my mind, hehe. But I am hoping you now know that there is muchhhhhh more to it than that.
So how do we identify our boundaries? There are a few ways:
1. Think of ya emotions: Has there been times in the past where a situation has happened and it’s made you feel some type of way that you preferably don’t wanna feel again?
2. Tune into your values: Are there things that you won’t do, or, want to do based on your values and morals? Something that could slot into this could be religion - saving yourself for marriage, etc?
3. What you don’t want to compromise on: Things that you do for you and won’t change on.
Once we know our boundaries what do we do with them? We communicate them. Simples.
You might encounter a situation where you feel like you’re struggling to set your boundaries. I’m going to tell you now, that isn’t the case. The problem is that you are having trouble communicating them properly.
There is no clearer way for me to put this other than the only way someone is going to know about your boundaries is if you say them out loud.
I know this can be a nervy thing to do, BUT babes, if you don’t tell them clearly about your boundaries, how are they supposed to respect them? Exactly, put your big person pants on, you can do this.
In case you’re a little stumped, here are a few ways to address your boundaries when faced with them while dating IRL:
You were having a conversation and it got a bit heated: “Our emotions seem to have got involved in this discussion. I think we should return to it when we have both cooled down and had some time to think so that we can continue it calmly.”
Plans are always made last minute and never in advance: “I would appreciate it if we could arrange dates in advance so that I can plan my week accordingly alongside my schedule.”
If they are late: “If you are going to be late, I would appreciate a quick message to let me know beforehand.”
When you want some alone time: “I really enjoy your company, but I need to have some time to recharge by myself.”
If you want to define the relationship: “I have enjoyed getting to know you, but to be able to continue I would like to discuss where you see this going?”
Do ya catch ma drift?
Who would’ve thought I could be so serious? My back hurts from carrying such a heavy convo for so long xoxo
Anyway, I am sure you have some questions and I am going to play mind-reader for a second and answer them for you - app of many talents, I know!
“What if someone doesn’t respect my boundaries?”
If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, they clearly do not respect you. Be the bigger person, like you are, and say: “ok”, and walk out of their life. If someone cannot, nay, WILL not (look at me sounding fancy ooo), then they do not value you enough. Someone who wants you and wishes to make something proper with you won’t disregard what you need from them. Walk out of their life, sweetie. You will be better off for it. Who wants a person like that in their life anyway? Defo not me.
“But what if my boundaries change over time while I’m with someone?”
Now darling, this is bound to happen. When the time comes where you are starting to build something that will last a while (or forever I hope!), your boundaries are going to shift and adapt. You are no longer a party of 1, you have another person to think about. Just like you had boundaries, they probs do too! You will need to merge them together in a way that you both feel comfortable. I couldn’t tell you what these new boundaries will look like as they will be very personal to each and every relationship. However, be mindful that you are both creating healthy boundaries and not creating a toxic and manipulative sitch. You will soon know whether it is the latter…
Which leads me very nicely onto my next point:
“How do I know if it’s a boundary and not manipulation?”
By now you should know the definition of a boundary, however, manipulation can sometimes disguise itself as one. A key thing to look out for is how you feel when someone brings up the boundary. If they say something along the lines of: “I don’t want you going out with your male/female friends because it makes me jealous”, that sounds like an insecurity. Sit down and communicate with them, what has made them say this? It has the possibility of turning into controlling behaviour if you don’t figure out what has triggered them to ask this of you. Chat it out. Food for thought though; don’t be rash to cut off your mates…
If after my extensive waffling, you’re still unsure what qualifies as a boundary, I want you to do the following: Take a moment for yourself and really feel the emotions you are experiencing. Do I feel comfortable with allowing this line to be crossed? No? Then you may need to create a boundary for yourself regarding that specific thing.
You are the only one who can create a boundary. You are the only one who knows whether it needs to be a boundary. You are the only one who can communicate it to those around you.
Remember: walls keep everyone out, boundaries show people where the door is.
Love, Thursday x